The Gamophobia of Bellatrix Black
by we noble and ancient
Summary: "Really, Narcissa, she's twenty-two years old. She's avoided marriage long enough." Eighteen-year-old Narcissa Black tries to help her sister cope with despair on her wedding day as the march of pureblood duty continues on.
1. Chapter 1

" _ **Gamophobia**_ _('ga-me-PHO-bia', from the Greek 'gamo' meaning 'marriage') the fear of getting married, being in a relationship, or commitment."_

The muted purple and the overly-simple cut of her maid of honor gown seemed to scream "haste" – as if it wasn't obvious enough what a rush this wedding was and they needed more evidence of their scramble. As she stared listlessly into the full-length mirror in front of her, Narcissa Black swore to herself that her own wedding would include extensive and thoughtful planning.

What is far worse than tackiness, Narcissa thought miserably, is the absolute trainwreck of a marriage that would be the result of this ridiculous ceremony.

Druella, Narcissa's mother, was deftly pinning her youngest daughter's golden hair into an elegant coiffure. Upon asking her mother why the elves never did their hair, Druella had explained to her then-young daughter that some things were too delicate for the simple minds and clumsy hands of a house-elf. Some tasks were reserved for ladies to flawlessly execute themselves.

The matriarch caught sight of her daughter's eyes in their reflection. "Smile, dear, this is a joyous occasion."

"You don't sound too convinced of that yourself, mama."

Druella swatted Narcissa's shoulder gently. "Come now. This is a wedding, not a funeral. This is a _good_ thing-"

"This is a cover-up," Narcissa murmured. Druella's hands slowed their motion, then continued slightly rougher than before.

"We can't have talk of that today, Narcissa. I am expecting only the best, most graceful behaviour from you. Prove me right in thinking that you'll do me proud."

Narcissa looked down from her mother's grave face. "Yes, mama."

She knew that bringing up anything to do with Andromeda's removal from the family was not wise, especially on this day. However, seeing as it was her second-eldest sister's desertion that had brought about this wedding so suddenly, it was hard not to have it consume her thoughts.

The half of her mind not dwelling on one (former) sister was focused on the other. The bride of the hour.

Bellatrix had not said a word to her all morning, nor the day before. Granted, she hardly saw much of her sister these days, what with her various… activities consuming much of her time, however when the two girls did meet up, one would be hard-pressed to find an aspect of their lives that wasn't discussed in detail. That's how they had always been – Andromeda included.

The silence from Bellatrix was what caused Narcissa the most worry. It was as if the usually outspoken and vivacious sister she knew so well had gotten lost somewhere behind the dread of the day.

As if partially reading her thoughts, Druella broke the silence. "Don't worry yourself too much about your sister. She's gotten comfortable with how her life is now, but she'll get comfortable once again. After all it's not as if she's marrying some stranger – her and Rodolphus have been close for years!"

This was true – Narcissa had watched the odd sort of romance bloom during the few years her and Bellatrix had attended school together. Being in her year, Rod and Bella had gotten close mostly thanks to the former's persistence on the matter – Bellatrix's initial lack of interest in any commitment whatsoever had not deterred Rodolphus one bit. Narcissa did truly believe he understood her sister on a level deeper than anyone besides herself. This was exactly why they should not get married.

Druella, finished with Narcissa's hair, lowered her hands to her daughter's shoulders. "There. You're beautiful. Lucius is the luckiest man to have you as his future wife."

Narcissa gave a tight-lipped smile before turning swiftly around to face her mother. "Yes, and he treats me so well. You see, mama, soon I will marry him, a _Malfoy_ of all people-"

Druella sniffed. "Don't say Malfoy as if they are worth more than a Black, it's misleading."

Narcissa held back an exasperated sigh. "Yes, mama, but they still are a very old and respected name." Druella nodded reluctantly. Narcissa gained confidence from this. "I can officially become engaged as soon as possible, we practically are already, and the wedding can be next winter even. Bella can go on with her life the way it is, and-"

"Narcissa," Druella's voice cut in, interrupting again. "You cannot be suggesting we call off the wedding _the day of_. You know better."

She did, but she as desperate. "But Bella… Bella hates this. She's never wanted to get married, and she's not just rebelling for the sake of rebelling in this case, mama, I believe she is truly terrified of the notion. Her and Rodolphus, they have a chance of being happier than we ever thought Bella would be with any one person. Them marrying, this will ruin that chance, she'll completely close off…"

Narcissa's plead trailed away at the mixture of frustration and sorrow on her mother's face. "Please," she continued. "Don't make her do this. I don't fear marriage, not like she does, I _know_ I'm the younger sister but everyone knows Bella beats to her own drum, it wouldn't come as a shock. I'll marry Lucius and do everything as I should."

Druella raised a thin hand to her daughter's cheek at this, a sad smile on her face. "Oh Narcissa. You've always done must things exactly as you should. I know you'll marry Lucius. And I also know that the two of you will be very happy together – it's wonderful that you have found duty and love in the same man. However not everyone is that lucky, and duty must always win out. Bellatrix is doing her part to continue the existence of our kind. We know she cares about that."

"Yes, she does, but-"

"Well then, she knows that this is what must be done, especially in the wake of… recent events. I'm sorry if she's not fond of the idea of marriage, but it's how things have always been done, and how they will continue to be done for the foreseeable future. I truly do wish my girls the utmost happiness –"

"Then just don't make her-"

"Really, Narcissa, she's twenty-two years old. She's avoided marriage long enough." From the harshness of her mother's voice Narcissa could tell she was growing tired of the conversation. Her attempts at appealing to her mother hadn't worked, despite offering herself in her sister's place.

"I'm going to go check on the blushing bride," Druella said as she turned and strode from the room. "Finish up in here then meet us in the foyer. Maybe add some blusher, dear, you're looking a little pale."

Narcissa was on the verge of pointing out that in fact she simply _was_ exceedingly pale, just like her mother, but Druella has already swept out the doorway and down the hall.

It wasn't as though Narcissa was particularly keen to be married at eighteen years old – she would much rather have a couple more years of being with Lucius before they took that step. However, that was hardly ever the way in the pureblooded community, she knew, and considering her mother thought twenty-two was an exceedingly late age to be getting married at she figured that the day would be coming relatively soon anyways. She had thought she may as well try offering herself in her sister's place if her fate was already rather sealed.

Returning her gaze to the mirror, Narcissa gave herself one last look – head-to-toe mauve, disheartened, and yes, pale – before gathering her clutch and following her mother's path out of her bedroom. If she was feeling as nervous as she was, she could not imagine how her sister must be feeling at this very moment.

Turning down towards the stair at the front of the house, she nearly colliding with a suddenly frantic looking Druella.

"Narcissa," she hissed, eyes wide in panic. "Don't act like anything is wrong, don't even let your father know, but Bellatrix – she's gone."


	2. Chapter 2

Immediately Narcissa was filled with an awful sense of déjà vu. _She's gone, she's gone_.

"What do you mean _gone_?" she demanded, fear apparent in her voice. She, unlike her mother was not solely worried about the disapproval of the guests now arriving in the sun-filled lawn; Narcissa was only terrified of the loss of both of her sisters.

"I mean I left her dressed in her gown and everything in her room, she said she just had to touch up her makeup, and now she's not there – she's not in the bathroom, not in Andromeda's room, not anywhere on this floor." Druella's voice was strained and hushed. Narcissa noted how utterly flustered her mother must be to have called Andromeda by name.

"Alright," Narcissa said in what she hoped to be a soothing voice. "It's not as though she left a note saying she's left, she hasn't vanished for good. She may have just wandered downstairs to get a drink, or outside for some fresh air."

"But she shouldn't be outside! There are guests outside! And what if Rodolphus sees her before the wedding!"

"I think it would be better to chance that bad luck than for Bella to have actually fled the premises." Narcissa couldn't help but be frustrated with her mother's priorities. Surely a breach in traditional protocol was more desirable to Bella having truly run away.

Druella took a deep gulp of air. "Yes, yes, perhaps. Alright – you look outside; I'll search the house. If anyone stops to talk, tell them you were too excited to stay inside."

Narcissa, although extremely good at keeping up appearances, doubted she could fool anyone with that story at the moment. However, she nodded curtly, stepping lightly down the stairs with her mother and parting ways at the front door, heading out into the sunlight.

The brightness blinded her after the dim indoors, and she held up a hand to shield her pale eyes. The gathering of well-wishers was already quite large, and pastels blurred together across the front drive as the guests mingled and made their way around the house. Narcissa's stomach was squirming, already feeling eyes on her. Part of her cursed Bella for putting her in this uncomfortable situation, but most of her mind was in overdrive, fueled with the fear of losing her remaining sister.

Scanning her surroundings, Narcissa tried to think along the same lines that she reckoned her sister would have done. _Where would she go, if she wanted to hide from all this_ … she already had a place in mind.

Taking a steadying breath, she entered the throng of people, plastering a smile on her face and bracing herself for the bombardment of cheery interactions.

"Miss Black!" boomed a voice not a moment later. She turned, still smiling, to face a very jolly Mr. Lestrange, making his way towards her with his wife and oldest son, Rodolphus. The large man was grinning ear-to-ear, face already flushed with drink. "Good to see you this fine day! I trust you're the maid of honor?"

Narcissa's gaze flickered to Rodolphus, who appeared slightly embarrassed at his father's overly-cordial greeting. "Yes sir, I am," she replied without missing a beat. "Bellatrix and I agreed to be each others' when we were little." Only partially a lie – Bella was to be hers, she was to be Andromeda's, and Andromeda Bella's, as decided when she was ten. She wasn't aware of who Andromeda had actually had as her maid of honor, Narcissa realized with a dull pain.

"Wonderful, wonderful," the man sighed, appearing truly tickled by the news. Narcissa saw that Madam Lestrange was definitely soberer than her husband, only a cool smile on her face. Narcissa wondered if she was perhaps worried about what kind of relationship her son was to be entering. Or maybe, she thought bitterly, her distaste lay with the Black family in general. A union that would have one been a societal improvement for the Lestranges was now the Blacks desperately trying to save face.

"Why don't we go get some refreshments and locate Rabastan, dear," the woman suggested quietly.

"Yes! Drinks! Splendid, splendid." With a final nod at Narcissa (and a wink from Mr. Lestrange) the elder Lestranges wandered off around to the back of the house, leaving her and Rodolphus alone. The young man looked up from the spot of ground he had been contemplating, hands in his suit pockets and his broad shoulders hunched.

"Is the theme of the wedding purple?" he asked flatly, nodding towards her dress.

"I suppose so," Narcissa's smile grew smaller, however becoming more genuine.

"Huh," he said, looking out around the crowd. "Can't picture Bella being too keen on such a soft colour."

Narcissa laughed for the first time that day. "No, it was definitely our mother's choice. Bella's would have included a palate not exactly befitting a summer wedding."

Rodolphus grimaced. "Bella's choice would have including not having a wedding at all." He looked back towards Narcissa, eyebrows drawn tightly together. "I know she doesn't want this, Cissy. She's never wanted this, not with me or with anyone. And I was fine with that, I really was. We were good the way we were. Now I'm just… after this I'm worried she'll always associate me with something she's never wanted."

Narcissa had a hard time meeting his eyes. She had not expected this sort of heart to heart with Rodolphus, and it was especially difficult when she was currently searching for his runaway bride.

"You know her better than anyone, Rod, maybe even better than me in some ways." Rodolphus snorted but she pressed on. "No, really. I'm her sister, she loves me due to blood, but you're the only person she's kept around for as long as she has outside our family. You mean something to her whether you're her husband or not."

Rodolphus' face brightened slightly. "Really? You think so?"

Narcissa hesitated only for a moment. "Yes, I do."

The man smiled at her, taking a deep breath and looking out over the gathering crowd as if seeing them all for the first time. "The lighter colours really do suit this weather. And they'll contrast her hair."

Narcissa's gut clenched even tighter then it had been before. "I agree," was all she was able to mutter quietly. Luckily at that moment, Rabastan came towards them, looking incredibly similar to his older brother, letting Rodolphus know he was wanted by the guests.

It was not that she didn't believe what she had said, Narcissa told herself as she skirted around the crowd towards where she believed she may find her sister. Bella _did_ care for Rodolphus more than she cared for anyone outside of her immediate family. This did not, however promise wedded bliss. Narcissa had a feeling that although she would continue to care for Rodolphus in her own way, he was correct in thinking that she would isolate herself from him after they were married.

Unable to shake off these feelings of dread and wishing to distance herself from the mass of people, Narcissa ducked into a well-concealed doorway of sorts underneath the curved branches of a rhododendron bush. The sunlight was dappled here and the coolness was a welcome change after the harsh heat out in the open.

Following along the unkempt path that led to their favourite childhood hiding place, memories flooded Narcissa of countless dinners and parties escaped from here by her sisters and cousins. Although pleasant memories, she now found the lot of them uncomfortable, as if each one burned slightly upon recollection.

The narrow pathway opened up suddenly into a small clearing of sorts, still shaded by the ancient trees overhead. The sound of the celebration could barely be heard through the brush, and the house absolutely hidden from view. Flowers and mushrooms made their way up through the leaf-strewn forest floor, and a rough stone bench from who knows how long ago was the only man-made object in sight. Narcissa remembered, with some difficulty, nights where the children of the Black family would all come armed with magically-acquired fire for warmth and light and sit, dressed in their best, on the musty ground without a care in the world besides what would happen once the adults noticed they were gone.

This particular memory however, Narcissa knew, would not be joining her stash of happy ones associated with this place. In truth, neither she nor Bellatrix would ever return to their secret clearing again – it was as if Bella's wedding day broke the peace it had once brought them, for there was the bride, white dress and all, collapsed against the bench with her head in her hands, her body wracked with sobs.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, _Bella_ ," Narcissa's voice cracked on her sister's name.

Bellatrix shot up, revealing her face, which was void of its usual haughty expression. The eye makeup that had been so meticulously applied earlier that morning had found its way onto her aristocratic cheeks, her normally smooth skin blotchy.

"Ci-ssy," she hiccupped, hands attempting to tame her wild hair. "I'm sorry, h-hi, I'm fine–"

"No, Bella, you're not."

"Yes!" she smoothed down her dirtied gown, dawning an awfully clown-like smile. "See, I'm the image of perfection. Perfect bride, perfect wedding day…" her face crumpled once again and Narcissa rushed forwards, guiding her sister down to the bench. Bellatrix put her face in her hands. "Fuck, this isn't me, I don't cry at weddings."

Narcissa gave a short laugh. "Bella, darling, I'm sorry to say you're probably not the first pureblood woman to break down at her own wedding."

Bellatrix chucked darkly into her hands before sniffing noisily and looking up. It had been a long time since Narcissa had seen her sister break down on this scale – she wondered if, aside from the immense stress of the day, this was a testament to how unstable Bellatrix had become as of late.

"Cissy, I just… Merlin. I'm being ridiculous. I can do this, it doesn't _mean_ anything, really, just signing documents dressed up in these _stupid_ stuffy costumes."

"Marriage isn't supposed to not be a big deal," Narcissa murmured, rubbing her sister's back. "Everyone gets scared of it, even if they're in the most wonderful relationship."

"Like you and bloody Malfoy," she replied darkly, wiping her nose on the back of her hand, just the way they had been told not to from when they were old enough to talk. "You'll be the happiest wedded couple our kind has been in centuries, I swear. It's disgusting."

Narcissa was glad her sister was not looking at her as she rolled her eyes – even in her darkest hour, Bellatrix found a way to bring up just how nauseating she found the fact that her baby sister and Lucius Malfoy were in a committed relationship.

Finally looking up from the ground and staring off into the bush, Bella went on, "Trust _you_ to fall in love with exactly what you're supposed to."

Narcissa shrugged her shoulders, uncomfortable. "Well… Rodolphus is respectable. Maybe not a Malfoy, but the Lestranges are highly influential–"

"Oh come off it, Cissy," Bellatrix snarled. "I'm not in love with Rod. I'm not. He's fine, he's comfortable – we've been more or less together for what, ten years? But I don't feel the same way about him as he does about me. Or at least as strongly. I can't."

Narcissa, now even more uncomfortable with the conversation, looked down at her lap. "I think, Bella, you might be angry with him simply because of the situation you're in… He didn't choose for you to get married either. He's aware you don't want to, you know. He's told me. He doesn't like that you're being forced into this."

Bellatrix glanced up at her sister, eyebrows knitting together, seemingly unsure of what to say. Narcissa knew Rodolphus was a highly convenient outlet for her sister's misery, and proof of him being caring and thoughtful damaged his scapegoat image, even for Bella.

Looking down at her crystal-white dress, Bellatrix sighed. "I can't believe I'm actually here, dressed like this. In _white_ – I don't think I should be allowed to wear white to this shitshow."

Narcissa smiled sadly, reaching for her sisters' hands. She noticed how the sleeves of the dress were long despite the heat of the day. It wouldn't do to display the Dark Mark as she was walking down the aisle.

"You look beautiful, Bella." She truly did, even with her smudged makeup and red-rimmed eyes. Tragically so.

Bellatrix's lips began quivering again, and Narcissa guided her sister's head to her shoulder, each woman wrapping their arms around the other tightly. Narcissa secretly rejoiced at the rare, albeit heartbreaking, opportunity to hold her sister. _We used to be so close_ , she mused miserably. Along with increasingly being physically absent from her little sister's life, Bellatrix had truly begun to isolate herself from Narcissa, sinking further and further into the recesses of her own mind. The young blonde knew better than to think things between her and Bella would improve to how they once were, no matter how often she told herself the contrary.

Bellatrix had begun to cry in earnest once again, soaking the fabric of Narcissa's shoulder.

"I'm just so scared, Cissy," her voice muffled against her sister's neck. "I'm never scared but I am now, and I hate it, I hate him – hate a-all of them…"

"I know," murmured Narcissa, feeling utterly useless against the constant flow of tears. "I know, I'm so sorry..."

After a long time, Bellatrix's breathing became slowly steadier, her shoulders ceasing their shaking. Narcissa still held on, however, afraid that if she let go Bellatrix would crumble again. She could faintly hear the sound of the gathering crowd becoming louder, the chatter penetrating their bubble of sorrow. Bellatrix apparently heard it as well, for she slowly retracted herself from her sister, wiping her face dry as best she could. The women turned their heads in the direction of the house, knowing that they would seen be missed.

"You do have the kinder father in law between the two of us, at least," Narcissa pointed out hopelessly. To her relief, Bella laughed stuffily.

"He's a drunk, Cissy, but a nice one I guess."

The women wordlessly stood, Narcissa linking her arm through her sisters and making to leave before remembering the state of Bella's appearance. "Oh, hold on," she pulled her wand from a hidden pocket in the folds of her skirt, muttering simple charms to restore the pristine whiteness of the gown and fix Bellatrix's makeup. Her maternal grandmother had been sure to teach the girls this sort of "upkeep magic", as she had called it, as soon as they got their own wands, and Narcissa and Andromeda had always had a knack for such charms beyond Bellatrix's abilities. She purposely, however, left Bella's hair slightly wilder than it had been pre-breakdown, as the last stand against what was to come.

Lifting her chin to its usual arrogant height, Bellatrix stalked forwards past Narcissa, nearly making it out of the clearing before halting in her tracks and whipping around to face her sister once again. Narcissa was alarmed at Bella's new-found habit of switching from cold and callous to teary or frantic faster than most people were capable of. It was as if she herself was never sure how she actually felt, or how to feel at all.

"I have tried, you know," Bellatrix murmured as if ashamed, hands clenching and unclenching, eyes shifting around, landing on anything but Narcissa. "To love him as much as he loves me. I know you can't tell but I've tried so hard. Something's wrong with me. I think I'm broken, Cissy."

Narcissa appraised her big sister – her idol for most of her life – with wary eyes. She had always liked to imagine that Bellatrix could make it through anything thanks to sheer will and determination alone. She was the perfect Slytherin, in Narcissa's eyes; ambitious and headstrong, always knowing and getting what she wanted. Under Bellatrix's protection – a very rare place to be in deed – Narcissa had never felt the need to be afraid of anything, for her sister would overcome it and bring little Cissy along with her.

Now, however, Narcissa was at a loss for words as she watched that last layer of protection from the harsh world melt away into uncertainty and fear and delusion. Perhaps it was selfish of her, while Bellatrix was living out her worst nightmare, but Narcissa was becoming terrified.

"It's okay," Bellatrix stated simply, her usual edge creeping back into her voice. "I wouldn't know what to say either."

"No, Bella, I'm sorry–"

"Fuck, Cissy, it's _fine_ ," Narcissa flinched at the snap, which Bellatrix noticed and took a breath to calm herself. "It is. We've always known of the madness in this family, and we've also known that I've inherited it."

Tears were stinging Narcissa's eyes, much to her own annoyance. "I'm sorry I'm not better at feelings, at helping," she said lamely, knowing she was pathetic. Walking forward to become level with her sister, she kissed Bella's cheek.

Bellatrix wiped away a tear that had escaped her little sister's soft eyes. She knew that someday Narcissa would no longer cry – if Bellatrix had learned one thing upon leaving Hogwarts it was how horrid the world was… and how she herself perpetuated that. She knew Narcissa's eyes would not always be soft, but would ice over as a form of armour. She knew and dreaded all of this. "I love _you_ though, sister."

Narcissa nodded. "I know. That's how I know you _aren't_ broken. And I love you too."

Bellatrix couldn't bring herself to smile. "I hope you somehow stay sweet. I'm sorry you won't. Now, let's go get me hitched."


End file.
